Glitches

Here's another reason Heroes V is an awful experience: the programmers couldn't be bothered to fix some of the worst bugs and glitches.

For instance, one fine example is the time I didn't start with a fucking hero at all.

Everyone else had a hero and didn't believe me that I didn't have one. However, where my hero's face should have been was a black square, there was no hero hidden in my city. I didn't start with a goddamn hero for no goddamn reason. I even chose one in the multiplayer lobby. And to top it off, the "bonus" I chose was a random artifact, which of course I didn't get because I didn't start with a hero that could carry it.

The first thing I had to do, then, was waste some gold on a substandard hero that I didn't even want.

This seems like a basic, easily-preventable bug. But it happened nonetheless.

"Simultaneos" Turns

Our first experience with multiplayer for Heroes of Might and Magic was so incredibly frustrating we almost didn't play again. We were not playing the expansion, and therefore multiplayer was entirely turn-based. Three of us were playing, and grew so impatient and angry whenever someone went into battle that we had to stop after maybe ten turns.

Imagine our excitement when we discovered the expansion, which we owned but had not yet installed, had a simultaneous turn feature!

We played joyfully, marveling at how much faster the game was going, when all of a sudden a message popped up telling us simultaneous turns had been deactivated. For the rest of the game.

Confused, we looked it up online and found, indeed, the game does turn off simultaneous turns when players get too close to each other.

Many other players have complained about this, particularly that alliances cause it to happen from the beginning and that once it is off, it is off permanently. We were mostly infuriated that the game fucking LIED to us, and also that we were nowhere near each other when simultaneous turns were deactivated!

The game advertised simultaneous turns as the solution to fucking slow-ass multiplayer games and proceeds to take it away maybe, oh, ten turns in REGARDLESS of where players are. We've had it occur repeatedly when we've been nowhere near each other, can't see each other, etc.

Another source of our disappointment is that other turn-based games, such as Civilization 4, have absolutely no problem with the concept of simultaneous turns. Even after you end your turn, you can still do things in your cities. Here, you have no choice but to sit and wait. Or, you can play Ghost Mode, which is another disaster for another entry.

You'd think the game fucking lying to us and making multiplayer almost unbearable after the first couple turns would daunt us. BUT NO. We came back for more, despite this severe fucking disappointment.

This is nothing new

I can't believe no one's made a blog about this yet.

Heroes of Might and Magic V: Hammers of Fate is a terrible game for a variety of reasons that I will no doubt explore in depth here. But the sad thing is, it's incredibly, incredibly addictive. Even after we've been faced with a crazy, retarded, easily-preventable bug in the game that ruins everything, we keep coming back for more.

We keep coming back because there are so many little things about the game that keep drawing us back. The battle system is pretty unique, building up your town to get new units is fun, leveling up your hero is incredibly satisfying. Killing an opponent's hero makes it all worth it.

So while we think the programmers spent more time masturbating than making a solid, cohesive game, they did do some things very well. This is why we suffer.